"When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever present God. He will write our lives into his story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just inspite of those catastrophes but often because of them". (Beth Moore, Esther)
The next two days entries will be about my limited ability to carry our first child. The writings are from my personal journal. God has been FAITHFUL and LIMITLESS in His ability to raise me from devastation and bless me with LIFE.
April 10, 2009, I picked my husband up from his 9 day trip to Peru. I could not wait for us to get home so I could take a pregnancy test. We were both pretty certain that it would be positive and we were filled with excitement. The results immediately showed us a beautiful word PREGNANT! For you see.....I can not do those line tests.....I have to see the word PREGNANT!
We were filled with JOY! Overwhelming JOY!
April 17, 2009, Today I left for Charleston, South Carolina, to visit my sweet friend Melissa and her 3 children. As I turned onto the interstate our phone conversation went something like this, "Did you ever experience spotting during your three pregnancies"? To which she replied, "No, but I hear that it is quite normal." "Don't you think I would know if there was truly something wrong and I was having a miscarriage?" To which she replied, "Yes". "Okay see you in four hours"!
Four hours later, I walked in the door of her home and knew I was having a miscarriage. I was losing the LIFE inside of me. Melissa is my dearest friend from college and we have been through some stuff together. Never in a million years did I dream this story would be part of our friendship. God knew she was EXACTLY who I needed to be with in those moments. She was so good to make multiple calls to the hospital and to their resident OB friends in the area. She was so good to sit with me in the floor of her bathroom as I sat in utter disbelief and confusion. She was so good to LISTEN and to acknowledge that the LIFE that lived within me was truly LIFE!
April 18, 2009, I drove back to Atlanta to be with my precious husband. I remember walking in the door of our house and feeling like such a failure and completely crushed. Matt's strength is my greatest weakness...HIS COMPLETE TRUST in the LORD! Amazing how God knew I needed Matt in my life!
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out it's roots by the stream. It does not fear when heats comes; it's leave are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit".
Jeremiah 17:7-8
The not-a-robot is crying! This hurts me for you, and personally because it's my biggest fear. I am so glad that God walked you through it and placed you with your friend on that day. Oh how good He is. I admire and am thankful for your transparency.
ReplyDeleteLove you. I feel your pain. I still cry when i think of the outfit we had for our first little one. it was a christmas one... it's odd. it's like the outfit is my baby. it's the only association i have with it. praise God our babies are together in heaven with our Lord!
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